You never expect it but death happens and with us, it was all of a sudden. We didn’t know that day would be your last. You never told me how you were really feeling and I know deep down you were scared, but not enough to go to the hospital. I asked are you okay? You always said yes. I have this guilty feeling that I should have done more. But without you telling me how would I know?
You leaving has left such a hole in my life. I probably cry daily but at home where no one sees me. Most people say oh you are so strong, I am happy you are moving forward, but am I really? Probably not. I want too, I have a deep desire to move forward, but now my life is so very different without you in it. I mean we were a couple for 37 years! Now I feel like a half and I am missing my other half.
Life changes so much when you lose the person you have built a life with and had children with. We were together almost all the time. We traveled and enjoyed our life. We showed our love to each other and the world. We were best friends! Then you left…Life Changes hurts
Since you left 3 months ago, I have been so confused and lost. I have rejoined the things we used to do together but it all feels so different. I bowl again without you but I am with good friends. But it’s not the same. I do the things we used to do as a couple but now me as a single. I know I have to move forward in this new life but I have to figure it out first.
Yes, I am so mad at you for leaving me!! There are days at home I scream at you and yell your name and ask WHY??? We had plans and we were moving towards those plans and you left! I know deep down you didn’t mean to leave, but I’m still so pissed off at you for leaving me in this world!! At times I have such a hard time because it still seems so unreal. I expect you to walk in the door at any time, but I know you will not. So yeah I’m mad!
What the hell is a new normal??? I am working on it but really don’t know. I have to figure out who the hell am I? It was always us, Scott and Barb or Barb and Scott. Now it’s just Barb and she doesn’t know where she fits into this world anymore. She doesn’t like this new path she was put on all of a sudden. She really wants her old life back! Damn you, Scott, for leaving her in this world! New Normal is a strange word for her but she is trying so hard to figure it out. How her life changes will affect her moving forward.
Outside face and voice
In my home, I can cry all day or be as emotional as I want. But when I head out the door I put on my strong face and act like I am doing just fine and handling it all well. People say oh you are doing so good. Uh huh, you have NO idea, I cry, I sob and I shake so hard at home I feel as if I will lose myself!
It is Hard folks, it SUCKS!!! Yes, that is what I say now when people ask how are you doing? It SUCKS is all I can say. I try very hard when I speak to my kids and grandkids to put on a happy face and say all is well. When inside I am a total mess. I hate that it still happens but it does and when it comes I have no control. I have learned the tricks widows and widowers use to talk to people and look normal, it’s a game we play because a lot of people think you should just move as if you just lost a card game or something.
Well, there is no moving on folks, life is real and hard. Unless you have walked in these shoes please do not say or expect someone to move on from their loss. If you don’t know what to say, just smile and hug me and say sorry.
Yes, I am giving it my all and want to move forward. I will never move on because I still will always carry you in my heart Scott, I gave you half of my life and now I am alone and lonely. That scares me the most because I feel I could fall easily and don’t want too. People tell me I have to move forward and make my new normal life. I have tried to think things out and figure out who Barb is now. I want to move forward and live life and I know Scott would want that for me as well.
It’s funny because people think they shouldn’t talk about him to me. BUT what you don’t understand is I WANT to talk about him! I LOVE talking about him, I NEED to talk about him. It doesn’t mean I am not moving on, it means I have great memories and need to remember them and him. So PLEASE let’s talk about him!
Day by Day
I move forward day by day. Each day it seems I discover a new feeling I have. Some good some not so good. I have a great group of family and friends who support me. But even with all of them, I still feel so very alone. It isn’t their fault or mine, it is life. Life sucks at times and it is great at other times.
I will be posting about my new journey in life if you are interested please read and share. Maybe my story along the way will help you or someone you know, this path I am walking right now I never asked for or even really gave it any thought but here I am. So I will be writing about my journey and what I go through so stop back by and let’s heal together.
A few loving poems for loss of husband click HERE